I shake; my legs, my hands. You told me you would not come back. I’m tired. It’s weird because sometimes when I feel alone – I miss you.
Yet when you’re there it’s all so uncertain. The passage of time is slow,
and my thoughts…
Often you left me alone and I swear I recognized you among the people, in their dark thoughts, in the malice of their looks, in the uncertainty, but no, no uncertainty in you. Your presence.
You know that sometimes I cried, but not for you. Though always present; you were never really there while life was rushing between the smiling faces of the people next to me. When I heard the beat of my heart race and I knew it must be you. Now do not ask me why – I cannot understand you.
If you had seen me crying that day when I thought of dying and I could not even move as images of blank stares passed in front of me. Forced to watch self-inflicted images of people paralyzed from the sadness of a life in solitude. Now you would not ask me because I can never forgive. And then you should have seen me that December day by the sea, a day when all seemed quiet, and instead I was absorbed in contemplating the mystery. I pondered that we all come from the sea. And it is an interesting biological fact that each human being contains in its interior the exact same percentage of salt which is contained in the sea. This is the reason why we have salt in our blood and our tears taste salty. When we return to the sea, whether for fishing, surfing or just to watch it, it’s like going to the place from which we came. And so we are all linked to this placid, formless, majestic blue mass. I pondered as I listened to familiar sad songs and pretended to feel good as I wept in silence.
If you had seen my hands tremble and my eyes shining when the phone rang and I was expecting a call, only one, but I was afraid it would be you. And I destroyed dreams in the preparation of what could be and waiting for a response, the future looked back at me empty-handed.
If only you’d seen me! You knew my legs were shaking, I could barely stand up, and I had to lean against a wall, then I sat down, I looked at my hands marked by time and I heard you! That was the first time you said to me: “I’m sorry” and I held back the tears.
If you had been there that day when they told me that things would work out for themselves, that I should keep smiling, I should not think of you, maybe I would always be well, and that you’d be just a silent companion in life. But not now, now you’re here and you’re not silent.
You should have seen my eyes as I swallowed the lump in my throat, took a deep breath and my last illusion vanished forever, my heart froze and now I know that I have every right to hate you.
If you’d seen me that rainy day, I had no umbrella to shelter me. It was a vacation in August; Dublin was in the rain, like me, and I was happy. I thought I was free, I did not think of you almost at all and each time I mentally uttered the word “free” I smiled and I gained more as you lost more.
But what became of this happiness, I that I should be sad, I that boasted of being free, but how can you be free and far away? How can you be free and waiting to fill a void? And after all this time I convinced myself that my attitude was not right, I was approaching life the wrong way, I was pretending, changing, I was thinking a lot, but not about me; if you had heard my thoughts right then you would not be here to force me to reconsider. Staring while thinking all about you, constantly.
If you had been there as often as I refused the others and the whole world thinking of you. Wondering how long your absence would last; if you knew how many times I did not sleep or how many times I’ve been in bed all day; How often I have not eaten or how many times I’ve eaten too much while I remembered the first winter together, cold. You are so much like music to me and how many songs I can no longer hear because you are there in those notes. And how many friends I have lost to those two words that I started replacing them to utter just the letters in acronyms.
You are everywhere and often even at night I wake up with my heart pounding, I look around with the false hope that it is all a dream, that you do not exist either, that we’ve never met, but then the reality in its simplicity cruel: it’s all true, very true, you’re there, we’ve always been together, you’ve neither lost nor gained me; you’re everywhere, and if I was aware of it you might leave me alone.