She seemed evil – Part 1
_A fictionalised novel based on real lives
Everyone is online nowadays…
X has always had a very big imagination and also she has always been scared by the act of looking at people’s profile pictures. The problem is that she often found herself “jealous” of people’s past even though she never cares too much about people’s lives. It is somehow contradictory, inconsistent, illogical and irrational: she cares about the stories behind a picture, the stories behind what brings people into her life in a certain moment right there even if it is only for one single day.
Since she was a child, intelligent enough to make her teachers blush, she has been asking questions, many questions, to the adults she has been in contact with, even if it was for a moment: friends of her parents, parents of her classmates, relatives of some sort. It was not important for X. She has always been curious, curious about the reason why a specific person on a specific day was there somehow in front of her.
Y has a very peculiar look. Her outfits are always very much “meditated”. Nothing is left without her full attention and care. Everything about her is exercised under a great deal of self-control. This appeared clearly to X in the pictures Y had on her virtual profile. What didn’t appear was the reason, the real reason of her being a sort of virtual exhibitionist: were Y simply someone who was trying to attract attention from the people online? What reason was behind showing her tattoos, her hidden bitchy smiles, her extravagant outfits with horns and evil symbols. Why was so much of her right there available to everyone? “She seems evil” – X thought and out of curiosity she decided to write her a short message. She didn’t notice Y wrote her too while she was sending her first message. Weird. The message from Y was again very much controlled. It was quite long and a bit accommodating but that was only the beginning. X was surprised that they wrote each others almost at the same time.
18.30, Wednesday the 2nd of November: this is the time and day they met for the first time. X wrote it down in her diary. She had a passion for writing notes since she was a little child.
It has been quick the time in between their first chat and their first meeting and after that they kept chatting virtually too.
X was shocked to find so much in common with Y and was excited reading the long messages Y wrote to her: raw, cruel, morbid, dark.
Y was a tiny young girl with so many weird passions that no-one really explored and her maniacal self-control in the chats with X was less evident after couple of days. In fact it was slowly fading through smiling emoticons and a total surrender to honesty. Nothing would have changed her attitude; even when chatting about blood, blades, violence and other creepy things she was fine, curious, weirdly morbid. Well, X a long time before was very dark too, having some weird inclinations which made her life more complicated. She was the victim of bullies at school and later on she bullied the bullies (like Y did). At the beginning she felt like crap about it afterwards but then she started thinking it was the result of natural selection. X was at the centre of everyone’s attention during secondary school (the only one she could remember) and she hated every single day at that school for pricks, outcasts, poor, neglected and broken children. Often she saw her mum crying because the teachers told her that her little daughter was a “peculiar” girl, a “weirdo” too clever for her age who would always have problems socialising and accepting the world and the people around. That was partly true I suppose. The aunt she loved most told her that she was surely on the Asperger Syndrome’s spectrum when she was a young child and no-one could judge better than her as she spent the first years of her life with this lovely aunt and her grandparents. X’s mum indeed was trying to get a Bachelor when X was 5 years old. Life was not easy for X’s mum: being an adult student, she was distressed, nervous and she couldn’t cope having X and her older brother around at home playing and shouting while she was preparing for her exams. When X and her brother were left alone together it was a nightmare for her as he was extremely abusive and soon enough her parents found this out as she was absolutely distressed and depressed. So they decided to do what they thought was better. Her brother was sent to her dad’s mum’s house (a scary old woman who X really hated). Whereas X was supposed to stay at her mum’s parents’s house all afternoon after school. The grandmam was lovely to X. She used to pick her up from school and when she was sick, she cooked delicious food and before lunch she washed the little hands of X within hers with rose smelling soapy water in a small bucket. Actually this is the first and sweetest childhood memory that X could remember vividly: she could still feel the smell. It is such a sweet memory: her hands marked by some wrinkles but still soft enough and gentle. X always kept thinking about this one memory in very specific periods of her life in order to feel love, to prove to herself that her heart could melt a bit. She did it purely because sometimes she doubted she has a heart.
Apparently all of a sudden one day X stopped being empathic with people and she became a jaded young girl. Her mum told her that one day she realised her daughter was dramatically changed. One day she realised X wasn’t a baby girl anymore. Now X doesn’t remember much of when she was a “normal” child if and when she really has been normal. What she remembers well enough is that she was too wise, too sensible and too “deep” if compared to her classmates.
Perhaps the medication she took since she was 11 years old for a problem she was born with, simplified this change but what she knows for sure is that she was too young when she realised how ephemeral and evanescent life was. How temporary reality was, how subjective feelings were, how stupid humans were to be attached so much to something that exists for such a brief time. Then she realised that death exists…
End of Part 1